Do you feel like your partner is speaking a completely different language? Someone may hear “potato” while the other person says tomato. Your message becomes jumbled as if playing an endless round of Telephone. When communication breaks down, the couples counselor can restore it.
Imagine Sarah and John have been married for 10 years. They are clearly still in love, but they can’t seem to find the words. Each discussion becomes a heated debate over who has forgotten to pay for the milk, or the electric bill. It’s exhausting. The couple decided to go through therapy, more bonuses.
The first meeting can feel a bit awkward. It can feel awkward to sit with a person with whom you have shared your life. They are asked to share without interruptions their feelings and thoughts.
Sarah says to John, “I don’t think you listen anymore.” John was about to interject when he stopped. He breathes in deeply, and waits for his turn.
When it was his turn to speak, he finally responded: “I hear you.” You seem to criticize me constantly.
The exchanges we make may not seem important to us but are revolutionary for the other person. It is an excellent opportunity to teach them how to listen, communicate and to be understood.
Couples counseling is more than fixing an unhealthy relationship. This includes creating something new. Think of couples therapy as spring cleaning. You can discover hidden treasures by clearing out cobwebs.
Take Maria and Alex. They were stuck in a routine with very little romance. Their therapist suggested that they plan “dates” as a way to reconnect, not just as a chore but also an opportunity for both of them.
At first, it was a forced attempt as though they were trying too hard. Over time, these evenings began to be something that they looked forward too. They began to look forward to the evenings, because they were a break from their daily routine and an opportunity to recall the reasons they had fallen in love.
Counselling helps uncover issues that are deeper than daily conflicts. For example, financial anxiety or old traumas. It can be difficult, but also liberating to address them.
Mike and Lisa couldn’t stop fighting over money. They were helped by their counselor to understand that it wasn’t really about money, but rather trust and stability. These had been missing in their marriage ever since childhood.
No magic fairy dust can make your problems disappear instantly. Both you and your partner need to be committed to working together to change old habits.
Sometimes couples even decide that they would be happier separated. This is perfectly normal. In a therapy setting, it’s crucial to be honest about your relationship.
Jack and Emily are a good example. Jack thought he would be able to save Emily’s relationship by going into marriage counselling. He soon learned that Emily wanted something else. Then he realized that a different life path was ahead of him.
Both were able to go on without resentment or regret, which would have hung around them like storm clouds waiting to burst any moment!
If you feel like your relationship is less soulmate-like and more friend-like, or all of your discussions seem to lead to disasters rather than solutions, then couples counseling may be worth considering. You will be able to walk the path of life together stronger than before.
It’s not quite there, but it is pretty close.